There was a time when I would get drunk and call guys I liked at all hours of the night or get online and stalk crushes maybe even email their girlfriends. Recently my drunken behavior has evolved, or possibly matured. Lately I’ve been getting drunk and heading home to try to make my life better by applying to jobs at 3 a.m. It’s interesting to see the casual tone of the cover letters I compose while under the influence but not as interesting as the medley of vocations I am drawn to when inebriated. Most choices are with organizations that don’t have a human resources department. Drunk Kendra wants to be a black jack dealer at private parties in Brooklyn. Drunk Kendra is game for heavy lifting with a start up shipping company. Drunk Kendra is willing to be discrete and answer phones at a bondage facility for ten dollars an hour under the table. You know you’re getting called about a crap job when they refer to the job as THE JOB and use first names only. “This is Tony. You wrote me about THE JOB. You can reach me at 555-1212. Click”.
Drunk Kendra went on the wagon for lent.
Sober Kendra applies for part time bartending jobs and comedic acting gigs. I went on an audition to play Dog the Bounty Hunters wife in a mock comedic segment. I chatted with the guy for a bit and then asked if he had a script for the audition. To which he replied “Oh you don’t have to audition. You’re a shoe-in”. Now if you’ve seen Dog The Bounty Hunters wife you know why that is a raw insult. In broad daylight to boot. But I still took the gig!
I got called for an interview for a bartending job. My phone has been ringing off the hook! The Spanish manager at the Italian restaurant asked for a copy of my resume, eyeballed it, and scribbled something that looked like “muy gordita” in the margin. Now I’m not fluent in Spanish but I know enough to guess that “muy gordita” means something along the lines of very chubby. I was immediately insensed. I can see chubby but VERY chubby. Up yours Carlos. And by the way Carlos happened to be “muy flaco” and I didn’t need to write that down to remember. I was waiting for my moment to lay into this guy because I have been itching for a fight lately. That’s one of the worst things about being single, I can’t pick arbitrary fights with my boyfriend . I have to do it with strangers. Strangers who have unfamiliar fighting strategies. Just as I was about to embark on my verbal barrage, a waitress asked Carlos a question and I got a good look at his Spanish scribble. It said “muy bonita”. Oh, my sweet sweet Carlos.
Besos para ti Carlos!
I never saw Carlos again after our official interview at a two top by the kitchen but I’ll always remember him simply because Sober Kendra likes to repeat the phrase “ My sweet sweet Carlos” to herself intermittently and arbitrarily.
Why? We’ll never know.
This is a picture of Beth - Dog The Bounty Hunter's Wife - you see my point?
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.