I saw a married friend of mine the other day who told me she loves being married but it takes a lot of work.”Dump him” I said, “ I thought I was being funny. “Kendra, all marriages take work.”
I couldn’t be less interested in working on a marriage. I would rather dig ditches.
I’ve had guys talk to me about getting married. That’s the other thing. I don’t want to sit around and talk about getting married. That’s the guy’s thing. Guys have very few things they are responsible for in the relationship growth. Popping the question is one of them. Don’t talk about it. Do it. Show up with a ring and do your thing. Take a risk. Then sell me on the idea because I over analyze everything. I could never just be like “yes yes I’ll marry you” and hug and kiss and call people and celebrate. It would probably be more like
Ballsy Dude: Kendra will you marry me? ( with ring in hand)
Kendra: Why do you want to marry me?
Ballsy Dude: Because I love you
Kendra : but why?
The “but why” line of questioning is infinite.
I saw a guy friend of mine the other day who said I looked “great”. I said “thank you” and we ordered a drink. Five minutes later I had to ask “ so what looks so great about me?”. He had already forgotten he said it. Not me. I take my compliments very seriously. I can recall a good compliment from three years ago.
He tried to recover from the fact that he forgot he said I looked great. He said I looked skinny and my hair was long but it all sounded hollow. “How long was my hair last time I saw you?” I asked. Now I was just torturing myself. I knew at this point he didn’t have the complex, detailed analysis of my appearance that I was led to believe he possessed by his use of the word “great”. Simpleton.
My married friend thinks I should be looking to get married. “what do you want Kendra?” she always asks me earnestly. “ I want a funny guy with sex appeal who doesn’t want me to mother him. You know, a friend that I want to have sex with. Good sex. Not obligatory sex.”
“ That’s like a whatchamayacallit situation. Friends with benefits.” She’s exasperated.
I don’t understand why she cares. “Yeah. Exactly. Friends with benefits. But monogamous “
“You realize there are 15 year olds having this conversation right now?” she gathers her things.
“ Are you saying I can’t compete with 15 year olds?”
I know she’s done with me but I didn’t want any help to begin with. Everybody wants different things from relationships. She wants to feel like she works hard and he owes her. She wants to be able to bitch about “her husband” and have public recognition that she is in a relationship. She wants to be considered an adult in society.
I don’t care about all that cultural identification with adulthood. I don’t want to guilt anybody into sticking by my side. I like to think it’s fun to be around me. Not like adult fun. Kids stuff.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.