My mother in twenty years
My mother has a very fun loving and consistent personality. Every few months she goes through a phase where a common occurrence pisses her right the fuck off. For instance, if a stranger can’t supply her with the information she needs, such as directions. That may just send her into a tizzy. Once she asked a pedestrian for directions to Best Buy.
Mom:” Excuse me. Hello there. Which way is the Best Buy?”
Pedestrian:” Um I don’t know”
Mom:” You don’t know where the Best Buy is ?”
Mom:” Do you live around here? Or you just come to this neighborhood to walk around and act like you know the area? ”
Me:” Mom C’mon let’s go. The Best Buy can’t be hard to find”
She peels off.
Mom:” What a jackass. Walking around like he knows everything. He doesn’t know shit. Imbecile I tell ya. That guy was an imbecile. They’re all over. Just my luck the one person I choose to talk to is a moron. Oh there it is. Best Buy. I should go back and..”
Me:” No! You shouldn’t. Just park the car.”
Mom:” They better have what I need. “
Me:’ Oh boy! Here we go. Can I wait in the car?”
Mom:” What are you nuts? Your comin’ in!”
As quickly as she gets riled up, she simmers right back down. Yesterday she called me from the road. She had been visiting friends in New Jersey.
Mom:” We had a blast. Sharkey jumped right on my head …….static static static ”
Me:” You cut out on me. Who jumped on your head?”
Mom:” You can’t hear me? How come you always have a hard time hearing me? Everybody else.. they hear me. You, there’s always a problem. “
Me:” I heard “ Sharkey jumped right on my head” and then you cut out. “
Mom:” ahhahah SHARKEY THE DOG JUMPED ON MY HEAD WHILE I WAS IN THE POOL“
ME:” OK. I CAN HEAR YOU NOW.”
Mom:” Well, it was funny. To have a dog jump on your head, that’s funny. He is the cutest little dog. But he didn’t pay me much mind besides the accidental head humping. Too busy playing with these two balls they gave him. And a stick he found. I finally sat on his balls and his stick to try to get him to pay attention to me.”
Me:” You sat on his balls and his stick to try to get his attention? “
So that’s where I get it from.
Thanks for listening
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.