Happy New Year!
I’ve been reading a lot of goal setting books in order to have crystal clear goals and resolutions for the new year. There are a lot of exercises to clarify specifics. One exercise I find is reoccurring in these books is:
Take inventory of how you spend your time and what you think about. Write it out. Start with:
I spend my time______________________________
Here are a few of mine:
I spend my time ……thinking about when I’m gonna be able to get back to bed. I’m always trying to get things done so I can get home and lie down. I visualize my bed, empty and available. It makes me anxious. Empty bed anxiety.
I spend my time………. planning on telling people off. I imagine fights that I know will never happen. I fantasize about putting people in their place, once and for all. This is a big time suck for me. Illusive altercations.
I spend my time………………. wishing other people would complete my “TO DO “ list for me. Sometimes when I’m looking at my “TO DO” list I say out loud “What’s this? What is all this? Huh? Things for ME to do today? How about this, how about .. YOU do it! Huh? How about that?” . Of course the “ you” is really “me” but it’s still fun. A cheap laugh is still a laugh.
I spend my time………daydreaming that my crush will aggressively pursue me. I’m too lazy to flirt. I can’t do it. I’m sick of stupid texts keeping the hopes of love alive. I don’t even participate anymore. My favorite crush from last year, my only crush from last year, texted me last week. ‘”YO. You doing alright?” No substance. No invitation to spend time together. No written seduction. Normally I would try to be flirty yet aloof. Not anymore. I shot back “ When you gonna wine and dine me? I’m fading away to nothing over here!” He fed me once in three months. Once. I can’t flirt when I’m famished.
I spend my time ……….asking a lot of questions that begin with WHY?. For example : WHY can’t someone have a crush on me and tell me how much they think I’m their type and ask me out on a date and plan the date with the intent of impressing me. And then be OBVIOUS about wanting to impress me and remember things I have told them and ask me follow up questions, to the point where it is annoying but it’s nice that they remembered, like:
Guy who very obviously wants me: “ Did you ever bring your laundry in? I know you were putting that off”
Me: “ No. I never did it and now the bag weighs 40 pounds. I’m not kidding. 40 pounds.”
Lovestruck dude: “Let me take it to the laundromat for you”
Me: “Yeah. OK. You do it! ( giddy laughter) That’d be great. Thank you. Thank you….but that doesn’t make you my boyfriend. Technically, you’re still courting me so don’t stop with the niceties. Understood?”
It’s January 16th and I still haven’t made it to step two of the goal setting process which entails finding a common thread in the ways I spend my time in order to identify natural talents. Eyeballing my data, it is plausible I would excel at a job where I think up scenarios for a parallel universe with the running theme of revenge, control, and hedonism.
In a work environment where I get to choose whether I sit or lie down.
It should be a choice.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.