Somebody recently asked me that age old question “Do you think
afraid of success?” I wish I was afraid of success. That would
normal fear. I’m afraid to wear a scarf. I wear a scarf and I
I’m taunting the stranglers. I’m walking down the street trying
warm thinking “I’m a walking crime scene, an accomplice in my
I put this scarf on, I went out in public, I knew there were
people in the
world who like to strangle people, and I flaunted an opportunity
front of their face. Annnnnnnnnd I hear footsteps.” If you ever
wearing a scarf, odds are I’m also running, running from
I don’t think I’m afraid of success. Then again my ideas of
every year, sometimes every day. Today my idea of success was to
Ellen Barkin-like job where I got to say things like “you listen
you son of a bitch……..” And make out with that son of a bitch 10
later. Yes, making out on the clock was included in today’s
success. So in that instance, no, I’m not afraid of success.
My biggest fear is feeling like I haven’t accomplished enough. I
accomplish things and I like to accomplish things as quickly as
It’s hard for me to enjoy the process because I’m white knuckled, aggressively
focussed on finishing whatever it is. Even sex, I'm sexually competitive and looking to finish on top.
I have sex like I’m
going for a KO in record breaking time. The last guy I was involved with
like a coach in bed “Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy below the belt.
we talked about, conserve energy.” I’m a haymaker. It’s not so
as it is endurance and overenthusiasm. Anything just to tire the
He’s falling off the bed and I’m standing with my hand on my
on a water bottle, panting out the count down “10…9…8…”
It’s always hard to schedule a rematch but I don’t take it
I just practice my 2013 motto
“Be a competitor. Even when you don’t have to be”
This is me getting horned up
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a
comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the
sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.